Sexuality is certainly a hot topic of our day. In fact, one must be very careful when expressing opinion on this issue due to the political correctness of our society. Not that there’s anything wrong with being politically correct, so long as it does not keep us from discussing and addressing real issues, which so often times is avoided. In this column I hope to provide a new and deeper perspective for those who have written off homosexuality as mere sexual preference or inherited genetics. 

The truth is, when you look deeply into the lives of those who have embraced homosexuality, you generally find one common ingredient in their life experiences….hurt. When you couple hurt (deep-seated hurt) with twisted views of the masculine and feminine roles, you end up with men and women confused in their identity, and ultimately their sexual preference. What do I mean confused in their identity? When a man doesn’t think he’s a real man you have a problem. When a woman doesn’t believe she was born to be feminine there’s an identity issue. How does this all start? Well it usually begins at a very young age. A young boy, for example, may grow up with a distant or abusive father. His father may never encourage him or validate him as a man, so he begins to find his place among the women. They make him feel valuable. On top of that, if daddy doesn’t validate his manhood, he will always question his masculinity, even if it is only subconsciously. Of course, in some cases, that will actually drive the boy to try to be overly masculine….get in lots of fights, be extremely aggressive, seek his identity in physical strength, etc. But in many cases it drives him away from masculinity. In the book Wild at Heart, John Eldridge brilliantly discusses the inherent need for a man to feel like a man. All men are born with a built-in desire to be strong, courageous, and heroic. Why do you think little boys are constantly found playing such games as ‘cops and robbers’ or ‘Cowboys and Indians’? Why are men enthralled with war movies that are full of violence, struggle, and ultimately victory? Why are we so easily absorbed in sports like football or ultimate fighting? We crave courage, we desire honor, and we idolize heroism. We have an inherent need to feel masculine….to feel strong…..to feel like we’re a man. When that is taken away from a boy at a very young age, it alters his entire view of himself and the world around him. A neglectful or abusive father is all it takes to start a boy down the path of doubting his masculinity, and ultimately trying to find it in another man. This is also the reason that many men who have come out of the homosexual lifestyle did so with the help of straight men who were willing to befriend them. They saw the man under the surface, hidden behind the hurt and confused image of himself, and they validated his masculinity. 

The same is true of women. They have a need to feel feminine and beautiful, and that femininity (and beauty) must be validated from a very young age. Again, abusive or neglectful parents, particularly the father, can launch the course to a confused self-image. Many times (not every time, but often) when you find a woman who “came out”, you will also find she had an abusive dad and a weak mom. Dad was horrible, angry and abused her or her mother, and mother wasn’t strong or brave enough to ever confront him. As a result, in her mind, if being feminine means being weak, she doesn’t want to be feminine. The reality is, being feminine does not mean being weak by any means. There is great strength in femininity. But our experiences as we grow up in life have such a profound effect on us. This is also why so many homosexual women have deep-seated bitterness towards men. They’ve been hurt. You very rarely, if ever, find a ‘daddy’s girl’ that ends up being homosexual. Rather you find the ‘daddy’s girl’ wants to find a good young man to marry that reminds her of dad. So in the same case as men, many times the root for women is also hurt, coupled with a confused perspective of masculinity and femininity.

Now am I saying these are the only roots of homosexuality? Not at all. There are people who have grown up in healthy families and have healthy self-images, but for various reasons or circumstances, ended up embracing the homosexual lifestyle. For some the issue is just getting too close to unsafe environments. If you play with fire you will get burned. Hanging out with a homosexual friend at a gay bar because you’re trying to be a good friend and show you’re not threatened by his lifestyle is a very dangerous thing. Our environment is powerful. As is what we put before our eyes. Sometimes addiction to pornography ends in a twist you don’t see coming. What’s my point? When you have a healthy self-image and understand your masculinity or femininity, don’t play around with anything that could pervert that. What?! How dare you use the word perversion! Are you saying that homosexuality is a perverted form of sexuality?! To be clear, yes I am. If men are born with an inherent need to be and feel masculine, and women are born with an inherent need to feel feminine, any alteration in that is indeed a perversion. Many will argue that, if you’re gay, you were “just born that way”. This actually brings up a good point. Some boys will naturally be less aggressive and seem less masculine than others. The same with girls. Some girls will naturally be tom-boys while others are Barbie. This is not to be confused with their true sexuality and identity. This doesn’t change the fact that boys still desire to be seen as strong, courageous and heroic, no matter how non-aggressive or non-masculine they may seem. It doesn’t change the fact that every girl wants to be beautiful and desired as a treasure by a handsome, heroic prince. Where do you think the whole princess and knight in shining armor notion came from? Every young girl wants to be a beautiful princess, and every boy wants to be a warrior that gets the girl (once they get past the ‘girls have cooties stage’ of course). That healthy fantasy only gets twisted by hurtful experiences, confusing perceptions of masculinity and femininity, and an ever growing convoluted message of sexuality presented by the media and society in general.

  In essence, men were meant to be men….strong, courageous, heroic. Women were meant to be women….feminine, caring, beautiful.